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Yeast
Listen, fungus murderer. Bread doesn't just "fluff up" based on magic or something. That purely aesthetic effect is accomplished when entire colonies-- whole ecosystems of microorgamisms are extinguished by your arrogant need for leavening. More like Leavenworth... if Leavenworth were... Dachau! These adorable little 'flour monkeys' as they are affectionately called, are slaughtered every time you want a sandwich. Their microscopic bodies explode from the heat and release their lifeless gasses which you probably chew up and gulp down without even tasting them, you monster. All the wild and noble yeast-beast wants is to consume sugars and spit out lactic acid. They want to live full, rich lives of asexual reproduction, but most of them are taken before they can experience such self-joy. Instead, they are literally marched to the ovens. Yeast was probably the first organism "domesticated" (read: enslaved) by humans, looooong before cows or pigs or whatever else you hypocrites out there are whining about. Over a million yeast die to produce one lager, and we've been fermenting drinks for far longer than we've been killing a few farm animals here and there. So get your priorities straight. What's especially galling and horrifying is when yeast and hapless Lactobacillus sanfranciscensis are forced to fight for our amusement in a disgusting and invisible-to-the-naked-eye sort of gladatorial combat, all so you left-wing psychopaths can have your San Francisco sourdough. And often bread-makers (yeast-murderers) just want to kill yeast to get the "nice" smell and fluffy effect on their bread. More like, the smell of death. And you beer-swilling snobs who think you have the 'right' to infringe on the rights and lives of yeast, you should know that when you are putting that wretched pale ale into your greedy gullet, you might as well be consuming an ancient cemetary of familial ancestors, decaying and rotting as you dance atop their graves, burping in disrespect. Even non-alcoholic beverages abuse and eviscerate the yeast. The captive yeast are kept in low-oxygen (or no oxygen!) conditions so their entire metabolic process can be utilized to keep you an alcoholic. Even worse are the fucking vegans, who consume yeast whole in an unnecessary ritual that they call 'supplements'. They refer to the yeast derogatorily as 'nutritional yeast', reducing it to its base use for human consumption. YOU KNOW WHAT, ASSHOLE? IT ISN'T SO "NUTRITIONAL" FOR THE YEAST WHEN YOU SLATHER THEM ON YOUR POPCORN OR CORN MEAL AND DEVOUR THEM, EVIL HIPPIE SCUM. Just look at some of the incredibly ignorant and frankly, homicidal things that vegans say about yeast: *"They don't have a central nervous system, so it's totally vegan." *"Yeast is from the fungus family, so it's okay to eat them." *"Even though when yeast is given sugar and warm water it looks like they’re throwing an impromptu foam party, it’s just an illusion." *"I own a bread-maker." *"I don't really want to find out where my pretzels come from. As long as they arrive hot, fresh and salted in their final form, and I don't have to look at what went into it, I'm fine." *"Is there gluten in this?." Yeah, okay. However you want to rationalize it in your mind, nazi fucks. There is no such thing as baking with 'cruelty-free yeast'. Large megacorporations mistreat the yeast, but let's be honest here, everyone who ever ate a muffin is a mass murderer. Others just drink a tiny teaspoon of yeast so they can stop their incessant bloody diarrhea problems, even for just for a few hours. This is the most offensive thing I have ever heard of. I would rather a million humans die drowning in their own bloody shit-swamp, than witness another single bleb be prevented from reaching it's maturation and splitting off to form its own cell. But the real monsters are, of course, the'' Australians''. They extract essences from the poor defenseless yeasts by salting their bodies while alive until they shrivel up, and their digestive enzymes break their own proteins down into simpler compounds, a process of self-destruction. The dying yeast cells are then heated to complete their breakdown, after which the husks (yeast with thick cell walls that would give poor texture) are separated to produce a tasteless and useless product that Australians put on toast and can't convincingly explain why to anyone. More recently, villanous robber-barons have been forcing the poor yeast-beast into harsh and thankless servitude for their fuel industries, made to produce ethanol and burnt up as offerings to humans in the form of 'microbial fuel cells'. Do Your Part You must do your part to stop using all yeast and yeast biproducts. Right now make a firm committment to stop eating all beer, bagels, bread, rolls, cider, malt beverages, MSG, pretzels, sake, sourdough, wine, muffins, pasta, tortillas, cereal, vinegar, bean paste, soy sauce, pizza, most B vitamins, all cheese, dried fruits such as raisins, ginger ale, cakes, donuts, black tea, miso, root beer, tempeh, most soup, and often chocolate. This is actually easy to do! Just picture the adorable round little faceless spores of yeast, or go look at them in a nearby microscope to remind yourself of what a barbaric act killing these beautiful natural creatures would be. This is vital to reducing your yeast terrorism and live in a more harmonious balance with your fellow living organisms on this planet. The worst thing you could possibly do is ever pick up a yogurt, which is the natural enemy of the yeast. But it will take more than that if we are to see real change. We need conscientious activists to be the front line of our campaign to inform, change minds, and change the system with force, if necessary. We meet every second Tuesday of the month to discuss our radical agenda of yeast propagation. Yeast can fight back, and we can be their allies in facilitating their growth and culture. Many yeast can leap at the opportunity to strike against the human overlords who cruelly imprison and exterminate them, and instead attack the mucous membranes of the immunocompromised. With our massive-scale enterprise, which we won't discuss in further detail here, we plan to strengthen our pseudohyphae brethren so they can completely overwhelm the corrupt systems of power and infiltrate our patheric and unworthy mucosal weaknesses with their indominatable candidiasis! The humans will tremble and foam at this pathogenic new order! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!!! Category:Beings Category:Creatures Category:Enemies